Blindsided

Blindsided: Funny thing, the human psyche--our defenses. She says to me, I believe as a means of encouragement, “But you survived...”. I try to qualify with, “But did I really, I'm a mess.” I'm not sure what she sees, but apparently she doesn't see the life of failure and pain that I see. I've a lifetime of virtually no close friends-thus I'm in a perpetual state of loneliness. The careers I dreamed of as a child remained as nothing more than dreams, likely due to my fears, and most certainly due to my belief I'd never succeed. Therefore, I never even attempted to pursue one of them. The list of things I've quit could run as long as my arm. Quite possibly the only thing I ever finished was high-school (I'm thankful for that) but even those years hold memory of things started but not completed. My dating years could make me cry; heaven knows they did at the time. Sustaining was not a part of my vocabulary--I was on a quest, and that quest was to find love. But the irony is that when I did find someone who could truly meet my needs, I couldn't get away fast enough. He gave me three chances. Each time I ended up running. When I tried to come back again, he said no. Shortly thereafter I met the first man I would marry. That brings me to my failed first marriage. But if failed isn't bad enough there's all the grief and trauma and turmoil that comprised the years while it existed. Granted it definitely wasn't all my responsibility, still I hang my head in shame and sorrow for the part of it that's mine. Thankfully during those years I did come to realize there was something in me that was broken. I determined I wanted to fix it, so I put a lot of my time and energy into gaining knowledge, understanding and emotional healing. I did gain some of that, enough to find and be able to accept love in my life. Now I am able to enjoy a love relationship, but I've since begun to recognize I'll likely spend the rest of mortality trying to put together the broken pieces of my life, and even then I'll likely die still shattered. Because just when I think I can breath a little--I get blindsided. It was an action taken- that in and of itself wasn't terrible. Who could have known that in that moment it would have the potential to rock my psyche so completely. It's potential was realized because it combined itself with a life-changing event. Apparently those two combined were enough to create the key to unlock the ever so tightly secured lid; the lid that had for so long safely held secure from my conscious mind this pain, and deep sadness, which I had not been aware existed. What I once thought were only memories turn out to be laced with emotion deep and painful. Mopping the floor and I began crying. This was not the first time I cried that day; it was instead one of many. I began to question if I was having an emotional breakdown. Would I actually find my self at that lovely building in Salem where they bring you drugs on a platter and you attend group meetings with all the other lost souls who've cracked? That evening would find me standing outside the door of the bathroom while my lovely, newly pregnant daughter is applying make-up. Her recently married husband is in the other room and won't make eye contact with me. I know why but have no idea how to bridge the gap, and I realize he can't possibly understand where I'm coming from. But my daughter, to a degree, does. As I'm speaking to her I find I choke with emotion. She says, “What's the matter mom”. I move closer to the doorway and find I can't speak without crying. I'm describing to her of me as a small child. I begin to shudder as I cry, saying, “I was so little and there was no one to protect me...” then my crying turns to sobs, like those of the two, three and four year old child I once was. I see tears start to roll down her cheeks as she puts out her arms to me. I gladly accept her embrace, and she holds me as I weep. And she reminds me she loves me. I know I will need to continue to grieve this, until its finished. I didn't know I held this pain, but I now realize I've done so for a very long time. And I'm thankful I'm safe now; emotionally safe. It's because I am, that I can do this.

10/11/12

I'm rather a nut for numbers--number patterns that is. Since this date will be a once in a lifetime date for me, I just had to do something to immortalize it. I figured journal writing or blogging should do the trick. I may pop in again next month for 11/10/12, even though I don't get quite as excited about that one. But then there is 12/12/12--now that date is super cool! That leads me to 12/21/12... what to make of that date?!? The date pattern is intriguing, but even interesting is what I've learned about that date via various documentaries. If memory serves correctly, it was in January that we started watching various documentaries on the topic. I've learned about the Mayan calendar as well as the earth slipping off it's polar axle. Some folks speculate, come that date, nothing will happen. Others predict there will be a major change in the attitudes of people, worldwide. And then there are the scientists who suggest the whole world may come to an end, a very earth shaking crisis of an end--or at the very least some major earth shaking crisis. We could see any of the above, OR nothing at all. However, in light of the fact this is an intense election year, if nothing else, I expect emotions will be fairly intense come that date--if for no other fact than the nation will be wound up, on both sides of the fence, over who was elected in and who was not. All in all, I expect some excitement. Until then, happy 10/11/12!